Crafts of a breakup
The queen of breakup songs, Taylor Swift, sings: ‘I can do it with a broken heart.’ But the question is how? Personally, I tend to retreat to grieve. Grieve the end of the relationship. Grieve the end of the future I thought I might have with them. And grieve the end of the version of myself I was with them.
While I start off with retreating (some might call it wallowing!), eventually, I always find my way back to crafting. It calms and helps me process the different stages of grief you are forced to go through. But I noticed something recently - almost like a pattern emerging now.
Complex projects for myself become easy and scrappy projects for others
When I go through a breakup, I tend to gravitate towards quick and easy projects. Think for example PetiteKnit’s Sophie scarf or Ysolda’s Musselburgh hat. It is the comfort of a tried and tested pattern for me, something I know I can do and that will not require too much mental effort. I will be able to make a beautiful piece, while working through the complex emotions that come with the end of a relationship.
At the same time, I have found that I reach for scrap yarn and stash-busting projects, like Kacey Herlihy’s Leftover City cowl or Anja Heumann’s Leftover sneaker socks. This realization surprised me because I usually buy and use yarn for a specific project I have in mind at the time. In addition, scrap projects (think for example Lærke Bagger’s style) usually ‘scare’ me as there is lots of thinking involved to make it look intentional. But of course, my stash of new and leftover yarns has been growing and I know I should do something about it, but never do until there’s a breakup. A good friend of mine suggested that it is the act of cleaning up that entices me in these phases. It is about making space: out with the old, in with the new.
My go-to patterns post-breakup
Another change I noticed is that while I usually knit while watching Netflix or listening to an audiobook, after a breakup I often prefer to craft in silence. Keeping my hands busy, it allows me to sit down, let my mind completely wander and feel all the emotions. Maybe it’s rumination, maybe it’s processing. But I know that I need it.
Lastly, I tend to craft for other people. What’s that about? Usually, I am very selfish in my making. But in the aftermath of a breakup, it might be that I crave for a connection to other people as I lost a significant one.
The psychology of a breakup
A breakup is never easy - whether you are the initiator or at the receiving end. Talking to a therapist, she suggested that my ending of a relationship is associated with grief. “You lost someone who was in your life. It is similar to them dying. And in some ways, this is even harder to process, because they are still alive, just not in your life anymore. But you are grieving them in the same way.” It was eye-opening for me to realise how similar heartbreak is to grieving the death of a loved one.
This so-called ‘heartbreak syndrome’ states that a breakup can mimic feelings of bereavement such as intense sadness and intrusive thoughts. Scientific studies have shown a variety of emotional effects following a breakup. These can range from negative ones like resentment, disbelief, guilt and loneliness, to more positive ones, such as relief, gratitude and hope for a better future. But also physical (lack of sleep, loss of appetite, restlessness) as well as social repercussions (blame, diminished work productivity, a loss of interest in social activities) are widely documented (1).
And let me tell you, after a breakup, no matter how civil and necessary it was, I feel all of these.
Finding back to myself, but also a new version of me
Crafting provides the quiet time and solitude for me to process the grief and the effects that follow. For this, I require a certain amount of comfort and familiarity, which is why I gravitate to the easy projects that I have made before. However, at the same time, I don’t feel like myself anymore but I still need to find that new version of me. In a way, by knitting with scrap yarn and thus in a style that is different for me, crafting lets me explore new directions. It is pushing my comfort zone and boundaries.
After a breakup - as cheesy as it sounds - you need to reinvent yourself, right? You are no longer the person you were before you met them, but you are also no longer the person you were with them or thought would be. Crafting supports finding the next version of me, while providing the comfort I crave after a breakup. And as time and healing progress, my crafting practice regulates back to the more complex projects I usually make for myself. Yet, I move on from this phase (and the relationship) with a new set of skills, a better understanding and a renewed sense of who I am. Now.
“But then something happened one magical night. I forgot that you existed. … It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.”